


I Feel Like I'm Drowning

by madamelibrarian, Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Series: Loving Heart [27]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Age Regression/De-Aging, Blood and Violence, Comfort, Comforting Gabriel, Comforting Sam, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Lucifer, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:38:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9409778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamelibrarian/pseuds/madamelibrarian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: Lucifer deals with the fallout of his run in with Baal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who's reading the series for the first time and for everyone who's been here from the beginning. We haven't forgotten about this series. We've actually writing part 60 but find that it's far faster to right than proof. I hope you enjoy this installment and the ones yet to come. 
> 
> Drop us a note and let us know what you think. Comments feed the plot bunnies and sweeten our tea.
> 
> You can also find us on tumblr at lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell.tumblr.com & madamelibrarian.tumblr.com

_ Pain. White hot pain, searing down his back. Lucifer screamed, struggling against the cuffs binding him down to Hell. Baal smirked, seeing salty tears slide down the angel’s face.  _

_ “Not so strong are you?” the demon smirked as the knife dipped lower onto his back, slicing into his skin.  _

_ “Fuck you,” Lucifer snapped, spitting blood and Grace out onto the floor in front of him.  _

_ “I don’t think so, but maybe I could cut something else of yours,” Baal purred, “Now come on, Satan. Sing for me.” _

_ Lucifer’s scream of pain echoed through the night.  _

Lucifer woke up with a gasp, cold sweat beading his skin and tears trailing down his face, his wounds feeling like that had been freshly opened and his wing rebroken, even though he knew they weren’t. 

He felt himself slip into his “little” mindset and after seeing that Sam or Gabriel weren’t in bed, got up and padded to the library, hiding behind the door once he found his mates. 

Gabriel chuckled while he tossed a piece of muffin at Sam. The hunter placed his hand over his glass, “Muffin chunks could only improve that green mess you’re calling a smoothie.” 

“Gabriel, knock it off. I’m trying to stay healthy here. Between you and Lucifer’s cooking I’m getting a dad body,” Sam frowned as he scooted further down the table away from the trickster and the tempting chocolate chip muffins he’d made that morning. 

“I still think you’re cute. Even if you drink something that looks like dragon snot,” Gabriel teased as he took a bite of his breakfast.

Sam eyed the smoothie and wrinkled his nose before pushing it away, “Thanks a lot. Now I can’t drink it.”

Lucifer slid into the library as they talked, keeping himself as small and as quiet as possible, hiding behind a stack of books. 

They both felt a shift in the bond at the same moment. Something like a trickle of fear causing Sam and Gabriel to stop talking at once and look towards the door, “Where’s Lucifer?” Sam asked in a hushed tone. 

“Sleeping, last time I looked,” Gabriel whispered as he sat his muffin down, his eyes drifting towards the stack where Lucifer was hiding. His grace reached out and brushed against Lucifer’s, feeling the fear and innocence radiating from him. “Code Little,” Gabriel said as he turned toward Sam. 

Sam’s brows scrunched together in confusion. Lucifer hadn’t randomly slipped into his ‘little’ state from months and it was worrying that he would without warning them or asking for it. “Baby?” Sam called out as he stood from his chair. 

Lucifer ran out from behind the stack of books and wrapped himself around Sam, sniffling, “Daddy,” he whimpered. 

“I’ll get his bear,” Gabriel got up from the table and went back to the nest to retrieve the stuffed animal Lucifer had gotten from Dean. 

Sam held Lucifer close and gently swayed from side to side in a rocking motion, “Daddy’s here, baby boy. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nigh’mare,” Lucifer whined, burying his nose and face into Sam’s neck.  

“Oh Baby,” Sam whispered as he kissed the side of Lucifer’s head, “Want to tell me and Gabe about it?” 

Gabriel entered the room once more and stood patiently with the DeanBear clutched to his chest. 

“Boo’,” Lucifer whimpered, pointing to his journal. He had been writing in it the night before, before he went to sleep. “De,” he then asked for his teddy bear, making a soft grabby hand for it. 

Gabriel handed over the bear then ran his hand over Lucifer’s hair, “What’s a boo?” he asked, “Do you mean your journal?” 

“Ye,” Lucifer mumbled hugging his bear and cuddling into Sam, “Bad dream’s in dere.” 

Sam and Gabriel looked at each other and made a silent agreement, “Okay, you come sit with Daddy while Gabe reads the book,” Sam said as he lead Lucifer to the table and sat in his chair. 

Lucifer curled up on Sam’s lap and nestled himself securely in his mate’s arms, trembling and sniffling as he clutched his DeanBear tightly. 

Sam made soft sounds and coos as he rubbed circles into Lucifer’s back. Gabriel sat down, sliding Lucifer’s journal in front of him and flipping to the first page. He took a sip of his heavily sweetened coffee as he read. By the time he read the first paragraph, he’d abandoned his cup. The words stretching out before him were an account of Lucifer’s time in Hell while Gabriel was possessing Dean. Lucifer had glossed over so much, which was something that Gabriel had suspected if his mate’s wounds had been anything to judge by. What the younger archangel had not counted on was how powerless Lucifer had been. His grace bound as the demon sliced into Lucifer piece by piece. The pure filth and hatred that Baal vocalized to Lucifer was enough to make Gabriel’s skin crawl and bile to rise in his throat. It wasn’t until Lucifer started writing about how he agreed with Baal about how Lucifer was unwanted and undesirable to anyone, even him and Sam, that Gabriel felt the tears slip down his cheeks. 

Sam looked up from where he’d been comforting Lucifer and was stunned to see Gabriel crying, “Gabe?” he asked softly, “What is it?”

Lucifer began fussing after looking over at his brother and seeing him crying, tears coming to his own eyes. 

“He...Baal tortured him, Sam,” Gabriel choked out as he wiped away his own tears, “Tried to…saw off his wings. Told him that..we were using him. Making him no better than a whore and he believed it,” Gabriel’s eyes were round and dark with anguish as fresh tears fell. 

Gabriel’s description of the journal’s contents struck Sam and shook him. “What?!” he asked it a hushed tone of disbelief. It was easy to understand the action of the demon but for Lucifer to take Baal’s word to heart was what the hunter couldn’t grasp. 

Lucifer whined and fussed more, not liking the tone that Sam’s voice had taken and feeling like he had done something  _ wrong.  _

“Shh, shh, baby,” Sam soothed, recognizing the fussy symptoms of the angel in his lap, “It’s okay baby boy, Daddy’s here,” He placed a chaste kiss on his forehead, “Daddy just can’t understand why you would believe such horrible things.”

“Me either,” Gabriel added in a near whisper. He closed the journal and pushed it away from him as if the very leather was painful to touch, “We love you, Heylel. So very much.”

Lucifer burst into tears, sobbing into the side of Sam’s neck, shaking his head in protest at Gabriel’s words, the first time that he’s ever denied them loving him while in little space. The thing with Baal had shaken him up severely. 

Sam gave a sigh and shifted his grip on the crying archangel, gently rocking him and soothing him through his tears, “We might need the little drop box, Gabriel,” he murmured. 

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Gabriel nodded and got up from the table, “Are we staying here or taking him back to bed?”

“Let’s take him back to bed,” Sam suggested, scooping his hands underneath Lucifer and picking him up, making sure the teddy bear was on Lucifer’s torso, “It’ll be easier to calm him down that way. Meet you there.” He walked briskly back to their nest, thankful that Dean and Cas were out, although he made a mental note to have his older brother and his mate get together- Lucifer and Dean were more alike than they would like to confess- and talk this out. 

Laying Lucifer down on the bed, he began taking him out of his sleep clothes to put his onesie on, murmuring gentle words into his skin. Lucifer whined and fussed the entire time, crying. 

Gabriel came into the room with a larger box than the rest in Lucifer’s special closet, “Here you go,” He sat the box beside Sam and opened the lid. “I swear, Sam. I will smite every last one of those smoke bastards if it’s the last thing I do.”

“I know,” Sam murmured as he finally slid Lucifer into the onesie and began doing the snaps, “Let’s see, we got DeanBear, we got Mr. Floofles, we got his onesie, Gellie doesn’t come until later…,” he looked over at Gabriel, “What do you think he need right now?” 

Lucifer whined and kicked his feet, accidentally kicking Sam in the jaw, causing the hunter to shout and Lucifer to cry louder and apologize profusely. 

“Shh, baby, oh baby,” Sam murmured, crawling onto the bed and pulling the squalling angel onto his lap. 

Gabriel jumped in shock when Sam cried out and crawled onto the bed once the hunter had Lucifer in his lap and placed his hand on his brother’s back, “Luci, calm down. It’s okay. Daddy’s fine and we’re both right here.”

Sam shushed Lucifer and rocked him gently, keeping his flailing down to a minimum, “What do you think he needs right now from the box?” he whispered, kissing away the archangel’s tears away. “It’s okay, baby boy, shh, it’s okay. Daddy forgives you. Daddy knows you didn’t mean to kick him in the jaw.” 

Gabriel grabbed the box and started rooting around in the contents before he put his hands on something that could help. Pulling out a pacifier he held it up, “Worth a shot,” He muttered as he offered it to Lucifer, “Look what I got, Baby. Want the sucky thing?”

Lucifer cried and nodded. 

“Good, Gabe,” Sam murmured, gently taking the pacifier from the younger angel and sliding it neatly into Lucifer’s mouth. “There we go, baby boy.” 

Lucifer cried and sucked noisily on it, his squirming already ceasing. 

“That’s it, baby boy, relax,” Sam soothed. He leaned over and kissed Gabriel’s cheek, “Thank you,” he whispered to the Trickster. 

“You’re welcome,” Gabriel whispered back as he stroked a finger over Sam’s bruising jaw, healing it before it worsened. Sitting beside them he wrapped his arms and wings around them both as he laid his head on Sam’s shoulder, “He was doing so well.” 

“I know,” Sam whispered, running his fingers through Lucifer’s hair gently, watching the angel hiccup and sniffle, crying still, “If Baal wasn’t already dead I’d go down to Hell and kill him myself.” 

Lucifer’s sucking on the pacifier quieted as he became calmer. 

“I wish Luci would have told us sooner. Shown us that book, something. So we could help before it got to this point,” Gabriel sighed as he reached around Sam to gently rub Lucifer’s chest. 

Lucifer groaned quietly and nuzzled into Sam. 

“We couldn’t have pushed him, Gabriel,” Sam said quietly, “It’s entirely possible he was going to tell us sooner, and then had the nightmare. You know that he has trouble talking about these things.” 

“I know,” Gabriel takes a deep breath, letting the smell of Sam’s soap and aftershave soothe him, “I can still wish.”

“We both can,” Sam murmured, watching Lucifer’s eyelids droop in soft and quiet ease. 


	2. Chapter 2

Lucifer let his eyes drift open, innocence and trust radiating out of them. 

“Hey there, blue eyes,” Sam whispered softly, “How’re you doing?” 

Lucifer rocked his hand back and forth.

“Okay baby,” Sam murmured, kissing the top of his head.  

Gabriel was curled up with his back pressed against Lucifer’s side as he gently snored. 

Lucifer reached over and patted Gabriel’s face, the pacifier barely in his mouth. 

“Hmm?” Gabriel hummed as he rolled over and slung an arm around Lucifer. After a couple minutes his eyes drifted open. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes free of sleep, “Hey, cutie. Feeling better?”

Lucifer nodded and cuddled into his mates. 

“Good,” Gabriel gave Lucifer a good squeeze of a hug, “Are you hungry?”

Lucifer nodded and gave a shy smile. 

“Hungry for what, baby?”

“How about some of my blueberry surprise pancakes?” Gabriel asked as he got up from the bed looking weary even though he’d just slept. 

Lucifer nodded, reluctant to move away from Sam, even with the promise of pancakes.  

“Sounds wonderful, Gabriel, Get him some apple juice, too,” Sam said. 

“Apple juice and coffee. Got it,” Gabriel said as he anticipated what Sam would ask for. He bent down and gave each of them a quick kiss before leaving the room. Shortly after he left a cup of juice and coffee appear on the nightstand along with a note card with a smiley face.

Chuckling when saw the note, Sam picked up the glass of apple juice, “Want some, Baby boy?”

Lucifer nodded, smiling up at Sam. 

Crooking his finger at Lucifer, Sam scooted back so he could face his angel, “Give me the pacifier and I’ll give you the juice.”

Lucifer dropped the pacifier and handed it to Sam, patiently waiting for his drink. Sam passed off the glass and put the pacifier next to his coffee. 

“So do you want to talk about what happened?” Sam asked as he watched the angel take a sip. 

Lucifer shrugged, crossing his eyes to sip his apple juice happily. 

“Alright, we don’t have to right now,” Sam said patiently as he took up his coffee, “But we can’t put it off forever.”

“Why not?” Lucifer asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Because I care about you and don’t want you to feel like you have to carry this alone.  Gabriel and I can help. We want to help,” Sam explained as he drank his coffee. 

Lucifer sipped his juice, “Why?” he asked quietly. 

“We love you, Luc’. I love you,” Sam placed a hand on Lucifer’s knee and gave it a loving squeeze. 

Lucifer gave another sip of his juice, “Why?” he asked. 

Sam chuckled as he realized Lucifer was still being little and playing the ‘Why’ game. Setting his mug to the side, Sam leaned in and kissed Lucifer’s cheek, “Because we do, you silly angel.”

Lucifer smiled at the kiss and kissed Sam’s cheek back, “But why, Daddy?” 

“Oh, you want a list do you?” Sam asked as he shuffled around until his legs were bracketing Lucifer with the angel’s back against his chest. 

“P’ease?” Lucifer asked, looking up at Sam.

“Well, I love you because you're handsome,” Sam said as he nuzzled into the hair behind Lucifer’s ear, speaking softly, “And smart. You’re strong, kind and I love when you and Gabriel start sassing each other over silly things like television.”

Lucifer played with the rim of his glass, “Why else?” he asked softly. 

Sam splayed his hand across his bonding mark on Lucifer’s throat, “Because you’re a part of me, Heylel. Just like you’re a part of Gabriel. Our precious angel,” Sam’s voice thickened with emotion, “And we’ve been through too much for anyone to come between us.”

Lucifer tilted his head back and rested it on Sam’s shoulder, nosing his neck, apple juice gone, “Daddy?” 

“Yes, Baby?” Sam whispered as his free arm circled around Lucifer’s waist, holding him close.

“If you ‘nd Gabs ‘ove me, then why did Baal say ‘ou didn’?” Lucifer whispered. 

“Because he was a demon and demons lie to get what they want, and what he wanted was to hurt you as much as he could. But you know it’s not true, right baby?” Sam asked as his thumb stroked gently up the side of Lucifer’s neck. 

Lucifer rocked his hand back and forth, “He hurt me  _ real  _ bad, Daddy. Real bad. Tried to take away my wings.” 

Sam’s eyes slide shut as he tried to block out the gruesome mental image of his mate’s wings being torn off and reminded himself that it didn’t happen. Not like that, “I know. He was wrong for that but you made it home to us. To me and Gabriel and Dean and Cas, where you’re safe.” 

“Safe,” Lucifer repeated, turning his head to nose at Sam’s neck, “Daddy? Will I e’er ‘ove myse’f a’ain?”

“Of course you will. Even if it takes us reminding you how wonderful you are every day. It’ll just take a little time.” 

“Why’s it so  _ hard _ ?” Lucifer mumbled. 

“Because if love were easy we couldn’t appreciate it,” Sam replied with a slow exhale as the tension he’d been holding drained out of him, “Like if you eat cake all the time you forget how sweet it is so you have to have to eat something sour to remind you. And that’s what this is, baby. Just a little sour in our lives to make us remember how good love can be.”

Lucifer contemplated what Sam had said, snuggling in closer to him as he did so. After a while he looked up at Sam, “Daddy? D’you t’ink Gabs put  _ gummeh bears  _ in th’ pancak’s?” he asked seriously. 

Sam laughed at the randomness of the question and shook his head, “I don’t know. He said he was making blueberry not gummy bear pancakes.”

“But he sai’ tha’ they were ‘is  _ su’p’is  _ pancak’s,” Lucifer whispered, “So ‘e coul’ put  _ blueberry gummeh bears  _ in them.”

“He could or he could be putting whipped cream on them. You never know with Gabriel. Do you want to go see?” Sam looked at Lucifer with a fond smile as he teased him a little, “Maybe he put bacon in them or better yet...a salad.” 

“EEEWWW! No sa’ad!!” Lucifer made a disgusted face and shook his head. 

“Then you better go stop him. Otherwise he’s going to put extra spinach in them,”  Sam patted the side of Lucifer’s thigh. 

Lucifer bounced up and ran down the stairs, jumping onto Gabriel’s back, “No sa’ad in my pancak’s!” 

Gabriel let out a startled yelp when his brother jumped on his back and yanked him from his thoughts, “Salad?!” Gabriel asked with a wrinkle of his nose, “Who the hell puts salad in pancakes?”

“Daddy sai’ ‘ou migh’ pu’ sa’ad in my pancak’s,” Lucifer murmured into his brother’s ear, “Wif estra s’inash.”

“Daddy was just playing with you. I would NEVER put greens in a pancake. That’d be like...making Dean wear a dress. Wrong on so many levels,” Gabriel said as he flipped a blueberry pancake over to finish cooking. 

Lucifer giggled and watched Gabriel, “But Unca Dean woul’ loo’  _ cu’e  _ in Rapun’el’s dwess. ‘E e’en has ‘er eyes!”

“Don’t give me ideas, Heylel,” Gabriel turned his head, sneaking a look behind him to see if Sam was watching and found the hunter leaning against the far counter with a smile on his face. Deciding he didn’t care what Sam heard, Gabriel turned to his brother and whispered. “Do you want red gummies or green gummies on your pancakes?”

Lucifer opened his mouth, then closed it with a pensive look on his face, nibbling along his lower lip, “Coul’ ‘ou do both, p’ease?” he requested. 

“Baby, I would give you a rainbow of gummies if you wanted,” Gabriel said as he twisted around to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, “Put the syrup on the table for me?”

“‘Kay!” Lucifer slid off of Gabriel’s back and went into the fridge, grabbing the syrup and bringing it to the table. 

A few minutes later Gabriel brought a plate with a Mickey Mouse pancake with gummies making a smiley face to Lucifer, “Happy Mickey for you and your regular stack is coming up, Samshine.” 

“T’ank ‘ou, Gabs!” Lucifer said, his smile warming up the happier he got. 

“You’re welcome,” Gabriel said as he went back to the stove while Sam reached over the table with a can of whipped cream and gave each ear of Lucifer’s pancake a dollop. 

“A little sweetness. Right, Luc’?” Sam smiled as he sat the can down. 

“Righ’, Daddy,” Lucifer smiled and picked up his knife and fork, getting ready to eat. 

Considering how the morning had started the three of them had a pleasant breakfast together, filled with laughter and good natured teasing between Gabriel and Sam as they tried to put the knowledge of Baal’s actions out of their minds. After breakfast Gabriel and Lucifer played a series of board games the younger archangel snapped up while Sam cleaned up and continued with his research. 

By lunchtime, Lucifer felt big, but he still felt small, and he wasn’t sure what to make of this in between state. He climbed onto Sam’s lap and nosed his neck, relaxing against him. 

“What’s up, baby?” Sam asked as he pushed his book to the side to give his full attention to Lucifer, “Tired of playing with Gabriel?”

“Hungry,” Lucifer murmured, his voice sounding older than when he was “little” but still not like his adult self. 

“Okay. How about a turkey sandwich?” Sam asked as he rubbed along his back. 

“With cheese?” Lucifer asked, looking up at Sam. 

“Yep. Can’t have a sandwich without it,” Sam pecks Lucifer on the cheek, “Let me up and I’ll make one for you and Gabriel.”

“Okay,” Lucifer said, removing himself from Sam’s lap after returning the cheek peck. 

“No mustard on mine,” Gabriel added to the conversation as he put the last game they played onto the shelf where it belongs. 

“No mustard. Got it.” Sam left for the kitchen to prepare lunch. He wondered as he pulled the makings out of the fridge how much longer Lucifer would be in his ‘little’ phase. The hunter had already started to notice his mannerisms changing and his speech improving, so he hoped it wouldn’t be too much longer before he had Lucifer back. 

While Sam was gone Gabriel tapped Lucifer on the shoulder, “How are you feeling?”

“In between. Like I’m little and big all at the same time,” Lucifer said, turning to look at his brother, “It’s a unique sensation.”

“I know the feeling,” Gabriel sat on the edge of the table and braced his hands by his hips, regarding his brother carefully, “What about what popped you to Lil’ Luci? Are you feeling a bit better about that?”

“A little,” Lucifer admitted, rubbing his shoulders, as if feeling the knives again. 

Gabriel reached up and took Lucifer’s hand in his and pulled him towards him, “I love you, Heylel. You know that, right?”

Lucifer cupped Gabriel’s face tenderly with his free hand, “Yeah, I do,” he whispered, “It’s just... he broke me, Gabriel, and he broke me back down to what I was before I realized you two loved me.”

“If I’d known,” Gabriel whispered as he leaned into Lucifer’s touch, “I can understand not telling Sam because he worries but why not me?”

“Because you worry too,” Lucifer whispered back, “Because even though you’re the younger, you watch out for me like a mother hawk and I... I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Gabriel sighed as his gaze dropped to the floor, “Reading it didn’t hurt any less.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Lucifer kissed the top of his head, “But writing it down was the only way I could get the words out. I couldn’t vocalize it to you guys; and telling it as though it were a story felt too impersonal, like I removed myself from the equation. Father was the one who suggested the writing, and I was going to show you guys today but...” his voice trailed off. 

“But you regressed,” Gabriel finished for him while his mind turned towards the question of how to purify Hell of every last demon so they could never harm his family again. 

“But the nightmare happened, and the regression happened,” Lucifer confirmed, “I know that there’s going to be more nightmares, more nights where I might become a little kid again. But you know what? Baal’s gone. Dead. Can’t even resurrect him dead. Hell knows better than to fuck with me like that again. And I have two  _ amazing  _ mates whom will always tell me that they love me, and make sure that I feel that way.”

“It’s not hard to do. Love you that is. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know another way,” Gabriel looked up into Lucifer’s eyes, “And that’s why I...” he stopped himself from finishing his sentence and telling of his plans to take the Host to exact his own revenge. Even if the plans were in their infancy. 

“That’s why what, Gabe?” Lucifer murmured, looking into his brother’s eyes. 

“Nothing. Just a brain hiccup,” Gabriel put on a smile and looked towards the kitchen, “I wonder if Sam had to go catch the turkey for the sandwiches?”

Lucifer chuckled and leaned in to brush his lips against Gabriel’s, “I love you, Gabriel.”

“I love you too, Heylel,” Gabriel whispered in return before pressing a soft kiss to Lucifer’s lips. 

Lucifer held out his hand for his brother, returning the kiss, “Shall we?”

“Yes, m’lord. Let’s,” Gabriel said with an affected snooty accent, 

Lucifer laughed and shook his head, finding his mate in the kitchen. Gabriel followed along, his smile faltering as he thought about what he needed to do. He’d make every demon pay for what they’d done, hunting them down where they’ve gone to ground until they’re too terrified of the thought of earth to darken the realm again.


End file.
